Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
