I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
