did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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