I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
