im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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