if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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