i don't like sucking hair
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
