When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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