and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
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They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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