stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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