if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
