Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
