the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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