she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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