I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How naked do you want me to be?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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