This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.