goodnight i made you a song goodbye
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
