every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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