I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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