There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
40s are totally the cure
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
