You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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