____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
