I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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