im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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