Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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