I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
