Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
