Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
