you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
