It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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