ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
