I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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