no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
