The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
