I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
