i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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