WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
