I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
