Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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