I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
