Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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