Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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