We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
