so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
