There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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