I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
