your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
