he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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