I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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