just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
They took my balls.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
