Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just pee around me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
