you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
