You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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