So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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