i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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