3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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