Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
