woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
