You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
