remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
