I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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