Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
